Numb

I was up really late last night. Till almost six this morning actually. Last night my room mate had what I would call a meltdown. He went out to the shop and punched his work bench and broke his hand. We talked for quite a bit of time and he asked if I'd still be his friend. I let him know that after sixteen years of friendship I'm not gonna walk away over something stupid. We've all done things we're not proud of. I let him know tho that if he wounds himself out of anger again that I don't want ot hear about it. I flat out said, you got what you wanted. You wanted attention and you got it, and I'm not going there a second time. Today I let him know that the more he tries to hold on the more he is actually pushing himself away.
I love him dearly and we pretty much raised each other and parented each other. We were practically kids when we met and we did marry as best friends. Over time we grew apart in some areas that are critical to a marriage. Our friendship is what had pulled us through. Friendship is great but it cannot sustain a marriage on it's own.
Back in '97 we had been married for going on three years and I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would never give me a divorce. We've been divorced a few months now and he honestly says he doesn't remember that conversation. This frustrated me. Since I couldn't get out and I felt stuck I figured I'd make the best of it. After a while though I just couldn't be on the merry go round any more and I jumped off.
We had decided that we'd cohabitate because our autistic son needs both of us and with not being able to keep regular child care providers it is very discouraging with me keeping a job. So I mostly oversee the therapists and take care of some things on the homefront. The plan was that I'd stay until I wasn't as needed on the homefront and then I'd move out and work and go to massage school.
Things weren't expected to change. We had been separated for a year but were friends with benefits. Somehow though things felt different afterwards. It took me a couple weeks but then it hit me that I'm no longer married, even though I had been dating a lil over a year. I turned to my bestfriend quite a bit through this.
So my room mate has been watching me fall in love and realizing things before I even did. None of my other relationships really bothered him because I didn't want anything long term and he knew who I wanted to choke like a chicken. I pointed out that he is being selfish and arrogant thinking that everything people say and do has something to do with him. He is only bored when I'm not home and I pointed this out because we can be on the same premises and hardly interact at all and he doesn't seem to be bored.
I think what freaked me out the most was the wild look in his eye. Energetically I felt like I was looking at rabid snarling fangs. Just waiting for another snap. Wondering what would happen. But also not willing to back down or walk on egg shells. I have always been to the point and nonsparing with my words. He indicated he is feeling better now and apologized for all the drama knowing I don't do well with drama.
It was nice to get out of the house for a while. I took my one dog and went up to the shooting hill and met my bf there and had a chance to meet his out of town friend. It raised my spirits a lil bit to see his smile. So I might go with him this week to take his friend home at which time I'll be able to meet his dad. I'm looking forward to that. So anywho, I'm pretty numb tonight. I'm sitting back goin OMFG and observing, collecting data to analyze this one.
I long to be in my bf's arms tonight. I feel vulnerable and fragile. I guess it's one of those parts of closure that is so painful. Like peeling an onion. Where's the center? As your eyes tear so badly that you can't continue, or can you? I guess what has helped me so far is to look at things objectively. If something bothers me, I look at it and try to figure out why it bothers me so I can dissolve or neutralize it. I am deep in thought, ruminating, digesting, meditating. I feel quiet because I don't emotionally feel safe. What's comforting tho is every so often I can feel my bf, sometimes I can smell or taste him. We connect even when we aren't physically together. And I can feel his love. The phone often seems to ring at just the right time. (grin)
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
SJ