The Bat Card
You may be asking what the hell a bat card has to do with anything. Well in native American medicine the bat is indicative of bravely going into the unknown. To me it felt about the same as the times I drew the blank rune or like when I has the tarrow of wheel of fortune qualified by a similar card, I think it was the world. Going into the unknown bravely.
I had asked my sister to pull a card for me. I was in the process of arranging for my autistic son with oppositional defiant disorder to be accepted at Texas NeuroRehab Center in well obviously Texas. I had been hanging on my a thin thread that was unraveling quickly. With this on top of daily duties and packing the household to move and dispersing items that wouldn't fit in my truck. My question was the usual...What do I need to know. More for something to ruminate about to try to sort through things.
Well last week I admitted him. I cannot describe the feeling of the heart swelling into the throat with the heaviness of a lead balloon. I don't even know what feeling that would be labeled or described as. After I dropped him off and grabbed a bite to eat I went to my hotel room. I feel it's safe to say I had a combination of shock and guilty mom going on. I called my horse friend and she said that what I was feeling was normal and conveyed some of her own life experience. I had been up since four that morning so we could catch our plane out of Kalispell and make it through the insane security. But to come back alone was emotionally traumatic for me. All the times I'd think of something and go to look over to him to sare my thoughts for it to hit me that he's not at my side.
So here I am a week later. I know it's not a true good-bye, I know in my head that it's more of a I'll see ya later. But my heart aches. My eyes flood with tears and I weep. My jaw gets so tense that it hurts and cramps. It feels like a death. Maybe my inner child has lost her playmate and is emotionally hijacking my body. I don't know. I haven't been able to sit back and truly be able to sort through my feelings and compare them to logic and data and the facts.
I went into this knowing through and through that this is the right placement for him to have the interventions that he needs by an extensive staff with amazing expertise. At that point I could say that although it would affect me it wasn't truly about me. But I miss him so much. It's really difficult for me to fake it till I make it. It's hard for me to not break down and cry, especially watching the kids across the street when they are out for recess. My heart is breaking.
I have stepped into the unknown. Fully. Completely. Moving out of our apartment and into the home of some friends five hours from where I call home. I don't even know how to convey the thankfulness and reprieve in a way that I feel. I'm filling out job applications in between all the paperwork. Amongst other daily responsibilities............SJ
I had asked my sister to pull a card for me. I was in the process of arranging for my autistic son with oppositional defiant disorder to be accepted at Texas NeuroRehab Center in well obviously Texas. I had been hanging on my a thin thread that was unraveling quickly. With this on top of daily duties and packing the household to move and dispersing items that wouldn't fit in my truck. My question was the usual...What do I need to know. More for something to ruminate about to try to sort through things.
Well last week I admitted him. I cannot describe the feeling of the heart swelling into the throat with the heaviness of a lead balloon. I don't even know what feeling that would be labeled or described as. After I dropped him off and grabbed a bite to eat I went to my hotel room. I feel it's safe to say I had a combination of shock and guilty mom going on. I called my horse friend and she said that what I was feeling was normal and conveyed some of her own life experience. I had been up since four that morning so we could catch our plane out of Kalispell and make it through the insane security. But to come back alone was emotionally traumatic for me. All the times I'd think of something and go to look over to him to sare my thoughts for it to hit me that he's not at my side.
So here I am a week later. I know it's not a true good-bye, I know in my head that it's more of a I'll see ya later. But my heart aches. My eyes flood with tears and I weep. My jaw gets so tense that it hurts and cramps. It feels like a death. Maybe my inner child has lost her playmate and is emotionally hijacking my body. I don't know. I haven't been able to sit back and truly be able to sort through my feelings and compare them to logic and data and the facts.
I went into this knowing through and through that this is the right placement for him to have the interventions that he needs by an extensive staff with amazing expertise. At that point I could say that although it would affect me it wasn't truly about me. But I miss him so much. It's really difficult for me to fake it till I make it. It's hard for me to not break down and cry, especially watching the kids across the street when they are out for recess. My heart is breaking.
I have stepped into the unknown. Fully. Completely. Moving out of our apartment and into the home of some friends five hours from where I call home. I don't even know how to convey the thankfulness and reprieve in a way that I feel. I'm filling out job applications in between all the paperwork. Amongst other daily responsibilities............SJ
posted by SJ at Mittwoch, Oktober 18, 2006
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