Rambling thoughts

My body is exhausted yet my mind is failing to quiet.
why is it that I fear most terribly the very thing I want most badly?
My father was an alcoholic growing up. He quit drinking after I attempted suicide. I had swiped some of his heart meds and took them at school and passed out. I flat out told them and the principal that I couldn't live life that way anymore. The fights between my parents, the beatings, the booze and their neighborhood parties. I was in seventh grade.
Maybe it was my mom when I was around my early to pre teens. I was standing in the living room of the house I had grown up in. She didn't appear to be angry, or agitated in any way. She was going through a bag of things. She looked me in the eyes and flat out said, "I never wanted you."
It seems that love always comes with a price. The worst being the separation. My dad died 9 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. He and I ended up being best friends, I could share anything with him and he would guide me as a friend as opposed to the dictating Nazi that my mother was at the time. My mom would antagonize my dad while he was drinking and pick fights with him. They were brutal, things flying, words cutting like swords. I would often hide in my closet out of fear that they might find something I did for me to be punished for. This was usually a willow switch from the neighbors tree. Leaves stripped off of it, bent bottomless over the wooden kitchen chair. And the lashing would begin and seem to never end.
I guess it seems like whenever I got close to someone I got hurt.
There's the old Irish proverb to love like you've never hurt before. Everyone seems to have abandonment issues. I haven't met a person yet who doesn't. So to me that would mean that if I am with a person that I can love like I've never been hurt before then that is the true, spiritual love. That would be incredible.
So if I have found that then why would I fear it so badly?
False Evidence Appearing Real. FEAR.
I have no reason to believe that loving a person will make them die somehow, but somehow I fear this.
I would hope that the person I encounter this with wouldn't move too far away and optimally I'd like to go with because if I found this then any form of separation would be torturous.
There's always the fear of getting too close then being betrayed somehow. Whether by lack of communications, built up hopes and dreams or stagnation from lingering.
I tend to have relationships where as a healer they need healed and then when they are fixed and I'm not needed anymore then they leave. Like a shop mechanic in a way. Analogy; a broken down car that needs a complete restoration comes into the shop. The mechanic loves that car and brings it back to it's state of beauty and then releases the car. It's kinda like that.
I have long wondered if I am meant to find a person who doesn't need an overhaul that will stay around for the long haul. I long for this, desperately. I yearn for it. To the very deepest part of my heart and soul, I cry for it.
So if I find this then it would mean it's real. That it does exist. It would have to become part of my reality. If I did find it and it was real then to me that would be the ultimate proof that it would take to prove it really is there. It would open the door to what it really should mean when I look someone in the eyes, gazing deeply, holding their face in my hands and saying, I love you. I had previously come to the conclusion that I love you meant that my heart swells with emotion when I think of them. What I'm talking about here makes that appear to be shallow. Drop in the bucket kinda thing.
So if I find this kind of thing then I guess I would need to figure out if I can seriously stay in the here and now and convey that kind of information to a person. To allow myself the possible opportunity of receiving another's love as if they had never been hurt before.
I think I shall be able to sleep now.
SJ