Holy WOW!!!!

I am feeling better today with the help of pharmaceuticals. I think I might have a job, I am waiting for a call that should come in tomorrow afternoon and I'll know then.
I started going to group therapy again........From my divorce I've collected more issues in the last six months than most people collect over years of life.
After that I will go to horseback riding and give it a try. If I can't trot then I'll be happy just practicing steering the horse with my feet........Part of learning English Style riding.
Not much else to be said for the day. I'm just looking forward to hangin out with Fox.....The horse that I claim as my best friend.....One day I'll post a picture of him and paint a picture with words of what I mean when I say he's like an over grown dog......LOL
For now, I'm looking forward to snuggling in my BF's arms as I go to sleep and I am hoping that tomorrow when I wake up that I will not be in severe pain. The pain is getting old. At least it's not like the first day where I felt like the little gremlin from the Steven King Cat's Eye movie was in my uterus having a hay day slashing it up.
SJ

A little better

I am doing a little better tonight.
My BF said he watched me as I slept off and on last night. I guess I had night sweats really bad and a fever through out the night. I had verbalized that I couldn't believe how thirsty I was when I had been drinking lots of water.
The pain is better some tonight.
I am wondering if I'll be up for horse riding Friday.
I put on the patch today and am feeling kinda hostile but I know my pattern is I want to kill anything that has breath on day three. So I've already decided that on day three I'm gonna call the Montana quit hotline and talk to one of the counselors......I had called and signed up for the two weeks of free patches and the support because I am seriously ready to be done this time. I have goals and plans and being healthy and hiking up mountains with out huffing an asthma inhaler is part of them.
Well, I need rest.
SJ
posted by sjinmt at Mittwoch, September 21, 2005

Appointment

Well the doctor allowed my BF to come in the room with me, for me, an exception.
I conveyed to her how much I love him, how I couldn't be any more monogamous and that I honestly am repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else. I told her, plus he's paying for the appointment.
It hurt badly. I'm sure this will be TMI but I don't give a damn, it's my journal. Basically she inserted the duck bill contraption. I was tight and crampy cuz they do this during the moon cycle because the cervix is more dilated. From there I got swabbed with seriously oversized Q-tips that were dipped in betadine. From there a rounded metal tube thing was put up into my uterus through the cervix and my cervix was dilated. A straw was put in and a t shaped plastic object with copper wrapped around the ends was placed inside my uterus. The straw and everything was taken out and I was told I could sit up when I was ready.
Now why the hell would anyone want this right? Well the IUD worked by rubbing the lining of the uterus so an egg and sperm cannot set up camp. So this go around when I am ovulating and want to thump like a rabbit in the woods and not worry about birth control I can go for it and not worry about if I'm gonna become with child.
I am in excruciating pain. I am taking scripts in combinations that would probably have my doctor come unglued on me but I hurt so bad I don't care. But I know it will be worth it.
The next step is to put on the nicotine patches tomorrow and quit smoking.
I need to go lay down now...............SJ

Scared Shitless

I have an appointment to go in for a female procedure tomorrow and I'm scared shitless. I'm getting an IUD cuz I have terrible reactions to the pill, depo, the patch and morning after pills. I react to most forms of nonoxynal 9 and the chemicals work by eating the outer layer off of the sperm and in the process also destroys the outer layers of beneficial bacteria and tissues in the nether regions.
So although I am looking forward to no more chemicals I am not looking forward to the thought of having something rammed up there.
My BF is gonna go with and I agreed to do my best to maintain eye contact.
So here's to hoping for the best.
SJ

2nd week journal

Grounding and Centering
Continue working on your grounding and centering, however, this week slow down the grounding process so that it can lead to a meditative state. This should help to slow the mind and still the body. How does this process differ from what you were originally doing (if it does at all)?
Miscellaneous
List some of the reasons that the fallacies of the Wiccan Myth can't be factual. How does the Wiccan Myth play a role in our practices? Do you feel that it makes a difference that Gardner made up a background for the Wiccan religion?


When I want to put myself in a deeper meditative state I use my heart beat to the count of four....breath in to the count of four, breath out to the count of four. I connect with my guardians, dieties, etc. To me grounding and centering is a simple process of connecting to the elements and allowing my chakras to be open, taking notice of any blockages. I ruminate on things through out the day and this is also a form of meditation for me although I do not use breath control for it.
The wiccan myth...... I guess I hadn't really put too much thought into it. To me I came with what I was issued....gifts. Gardner supposedly made up the religion using principals that our ancestors long ago used. I don't feel a person should get stuck on dates and timelines although they are important to know. I often circle using no tools at all. I believe that as soon as I begin to think about my circle I have begun circling. I often see with my third eye my altar all set up, candles burning, smoke rizing from the incence, communing with diety and the elements without going through the physical formalities of it all.
I feel it is wrong that Gardner made up a back ground, but then again being a zero degree Capricorn I can't stand liars and would personally flog him for not being truthful.
Silver Dragon Wolf (SJ)


Grade: Pass
Silver,
Excellent work on this journal. I like that you use breath control to help slow down your grounding. You don't mention it, so I figured I would add the note to be sure that you close your chakras when you are done working with them, leaving them open can cause imbalances as well.You are steps ahead of many in the way you work, most people rely very heavily on tools and in the Gaean Tradition as you progress on it is important to learn to work with only yourself. As you are already doing this, I think that if you choose to move on to the second degree that you will find section of it will be easier for you.
Blessings,Hara

woodsy weekend

Well, it was indeed an interesting weekend. I am looking foreward to spending lots more of them out in the woods with you, but hopefully not with us as something's prey...lol

I often feel that we are learning a lot about ourselves as we get to know each other. Maybe I need to clairify cuz I know for the most part we both have a strong sense of Self, what I am meaning is a deeper understanding of ourselves.

We seem to be studying ourselves as well as each other like I study rocks on the river bed. Getting to know every intricate part and placement of each and every texture, line and grove. Yet with us it's much more than that, it's a study of the heart mind and soul. What makes us tick. And the part I find most curious is I seem to crave this with you.

So even on a day like today where it hasn't been the easiest of days. Lack of sleep, whacked out kid and still attempting to make it through the day I still look into your eyes and see the most incredible soul and beautiful person that creation has brought forth and I am honored to be with you. This is hard to convey into words on a day when the words just don't seem to come naturally. I'm used to flood gates of thoughts that I naturally just sort through or ruminate on, today there is a shortage of them. Maybe not so much a shortage, it's more like they get stuck rattling around up in there and I may or may not notice they're even in there.

So I appologize for not being much of a conversationalist today although I have enjoyed hearing your stories and listening to your words and thoughts and especially your voice. I cherish your presence. Your embraces and kisses are still sacred. My heart still swells with emotion when I think of you. Your words are encouraging. I lack the proper vocabulary to truely express all I really wish to say.

I seriously mean it when I say that I'm glad you were my best friend before we realized we are Twin Souls. It removed the opening night jitters in many aspects of life for both of us. We know from our history as friends what each other is like on good days, bad ones, strange ones and more. We both rest assured that no matter how loud or quiet the other gets that our relationship is strong and that the foundation we built as friends is solid and secure. The bond we built as alies is inseparable as is the way we strengthen, build up and support each other. We accent each other, I mean look at the make up bag thing...I watched my brain in action with out saying a word. The way when we decide to do something we don't even really need to coordinate and it goes as if we had outlined what we each were going to do. It's crazy and I guess I should be spooked but I'm not. In those brief moments when I do get spooked I know if I just sit with the emotions or situation that spooked me in the first place it doesn't take me long to figure things out and it turns it around. Basically even when I feel spooked, no matter how bad, I don't want to run.

So to put it simply......Ich hab fur du viel lieb.



I used to think I was indecisive,
but now I'm not so sure................
See you here, there or in the air.
SJ

hi

I just wanted to tell you that I find you to be the most incredible person I have ever met.
Ich hab fur du viel lieb.