Handfasting

I found my Twin Soul (at least I don't have to explain to you what that is....lmfao). So basically Saturday in Gig Harbor, WA on the bay we had our first hand fasting and my sister blessed our union. It was incredible. You know how the crown Chakra blows open and you feel divinity? Well imagine standing in a small inlet on the beach, smelling the salt air, hearing the waves and holding hands, gazing into your Twin Souls eyes and a Divine white light coming down from above. It's a white light that is whiter than white could ever be with undertones of blue. At first it came down on each of us separately and then joined together. It was an anointing from Deity, guardians and it felt like from the universe. Any and all karmic debt that had ever been collected dissipated and a clean slate was a gift we received. All the chakras blew open one by one yet simultaneously and then joined together. Divine union is the simplest way I can describe it without all the above details and then some. The reality of it is there are no words in our language that sufficiently work to put this into words.
He takes my breath away.
SJ

Tuesday

I have fallen deeply in love with my best friend. Without a shadow of a doubt I stand firm in the awareness of this. It's amazing. The English language lacks words to portray what we have with each other.
I noticed tonight that most people lack depth and since I met my twin soul I now crave that depth, I need it, I am bored out of my mind without it.
I had the honor of meeting my bf's best friend last night and we hung out for most of the day today. I really like his best friend and am looking forward to getting to know him over the years. I'm going with tomorrow to drive his friend back to Spokane. I finally get to meet his dad. I'm excited and nervous. Excited because my bf looks up to his dad so much and speaks very highly of him. Nervous because, well, it's his dad. I have butterflies in my stomach. I am looking forward to meeting his dad and putting a face and voice to all the stories. I have never met the man yet I like him already. He seems like a true gem.
So, just about the time we'll be getting back here my room mates parents will be in town for almost two weeks. Yikes!!! These people used to be my in laws. I'm wondering how it will go and let my room mate know that I no longer have any obligation to these people and they are not my parents. I don't know what to do honestly. I don't feel it's my job to entertain them while he's at work but then again I don't want to come across as hostile or impersonal. I have always been outgoing and fairly energetic and I'm not going to change that but at the same time I really don't want to play tour guide. What to do? What to do? Hmmmmm, not a clue. I guess I'm a bit stressed about their coming arrival. Even though I don't really care what they think, in an odd way I kind of do. Maybe that's conditioning from being married to their kid.
I've decided I'm not going to hide my relationship with my best friend from his parents. I told him we would be respectful and wouldn't make out too much in front of them.....LOL I told him we're totally in love and there's no way to hide it, it's that evident. So I'm not gonna try to, it's pointless.
So I am looking forward to camping with my friend one more time. Falling asleep in his arms and awaking in that same very place. Gazing into his eyes. Togetherness. Where I want to awaken every morning. I am longing to talk to him more about hand fasting. Every girl in her youth comes up with what they think the perfect wedding would be. I was no different in that aspect but when I married I didn't go with that I chose differently. My best friend asked my why and I said I don't know but honestly I've thought about it and it didn't seem right. At the time though I couldn't recognize this. I wonder if guys have a dream wedding like women do. I don't see why they wouldn't. And I really want to know what my bf sees as his dream handfasting. I told him while we were camping that I don't want a traditional wedding gown kind of thing and I don't even know about the cake aspect of it. And what was awesome is he was okay with that and even laughed with me about it.
My sister asked if I was going to ask my room mate to hand fast us and I told her that I was going to ask my bf what he thought about her doing it. Maybe one day I should describe the dream hand fasting as I perceive it.
SJ

Numb

I was up really late last night. Till almost six this morning actually. Last night my room mate had what I would call a meltdown. He went out to the shop and punched his work bench and broke his hand. We talked for quite a bit of time and he asked if I'd still be his friend. I let him know that after sixteen years of friendship I'm not gonna walk away over something stupid. We've all done things we're not proud of. I let him know tho that if he wounds himself out of anger again that I don't want ot hear about it. I flat out said, you got what you wanted. You wanted attention and you got it, and I'm not going there a second time. Today I let him know that the more he tries to hold on the more he is actually pushing himself away.
I love him dearly and we pretty much raised each other and parented each other. We were practically kids when we met and we did marry as best friends. Over time we grew apart in some areas that are critical to a marriage. Our friendship is what had pulled us through. Friendship is great but it cannot sustain a marriage on it's own.
Back in '97 we had been married for going on three years and I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would never give me a divorce. We've been divorced a few months now and he honestly says he doesn't remember that conversation. This frustrated me. Since I couldn't get out and I felt stuck I figured I'd make the best of it. After a while though I just couldn't be on the merry go round any more and I jumped off.
We had decided that we'd cohabitate because our autistic son needs both of us and with not being able to keep regular child care providers it is very discouraging with me keeping a job. So I mostly oversee the therapists and take care of some things on the homefront. The plan was that I'd stay until I wasn't as needed on the homefront and then I'd move out and work and go to massage school.
Things weren't expected to change. We had been separated for a year but were friends with benefits. Somehow though things felt different afterwards. It took me a couple weeks but then it hit me that I'm no longer married, even though I had been dating a lil over a year. I turned to my bestfriend quite a bit through this.
So my room mate has been watching me fall in love and realizing things before I even did. None of my other relationships really bothered him because I didn't want anything long term and he knew who I wanted to choke like a chicken. I pointed out that he is being selfish and arrogant thinking that everything people say and do has something to do with him. He is only bored when I'm not home and I pointed this out because we can be on the same premises and hardly interact at all and he doesn't seem to be bored.
I think what freaked me out the most was the wild look in his eye. Energetically I felt like I was looking at rabid snarling fangs. Just waiting for another snap. Wondering what would happen. But also not willing to back down or walk on egg shells. I have always been to the point and nonsparing with my words. He indicated he is feeling better now and apologized for all the drama knowing I don't do well with drama.
It was nice to get out of the house for a while. I took my one dog and went up to the shooting hill and met my bf there and had a chance to meet his out of town friend. It raised my spirits a lil bit to see his smile. So I might go with him this week to take his friend home at which time I'll be able to meet his dad. I'm looking forward to that. So anywho, I'm pretty numb tonight. I'm sitting back goin OMFG and observing, collecting data to analyze this one.
I long to be in my bf's arms tonight. I feel vulnerable and fragile. I guess it's one of those parts of closure that is so painful. Like peeling an onion. Where's the center? As your eyes tear so badly that you can't continue, or can you? I guess what has helped me so far is to look at things objectively. If something bothers me, I look at it and try to figure out why it bothers me so I can dissolve or neutralize it. I am deep in thought, ruminating, digesting, meditating. I feel quiet because I don't emotionally feel safe. What's comforting tho is every so often I can feel my bf, sometimes I can smell or taste him. We connect even when we aren't physically together. And I can feel his love. The phone often seems to ring at just the right time. (grin)
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
SJ

Camping

My bf took me camping this weekend up at Lake Mary Ronan. It was magical. Woodpeckers, squirrels, a grey jay that landed on my foot and helped himself to the pan of leftovers on the picnic table we were sitting at. Ducks, and a female moose that seemed to come into season a lil too early. Gathering firewood together and making out at the campfire was romantic. Waking up in each others arms. Engaging in pure, divine passion on the forest floor where the deer had already bed down. Watching an eagle circle.
Being able to totally let go and just be ourselves, without holding back anything, was incredible. Connecting as one and tuning into the elements and creatures around us together, I cannot put this into words.
I can honestly say I am glad he's my twin soul and not somebody else.
SJ

Gutten Tag

Well the day was pretty good. The clouds rolled in and we got a lil rain but mostly it was chilly. The mountains seemed to have greater depth to them. The sunset was beautiful. Horse back riding was exhilarating today, although physically I felt drained. I didn't sleep well last night, I thrashed in my sleep.
I am going camping this weekend. A friend suggested we take some sanity maintenance time. This is going to be awesome. I've got my duffel bag packed and my lil back pack with my raviolies and plastic forks....LOL
I'm off to catch some ZzzzZZZzzzZzz's.................Gutten nacht.
SJ

hmm

I too have been pondering that possibility of being room mates. Not
too sure of what the outcome would be or how to go about doing so but
those are things that will be answered in time. I have been weasiling
my way into going camping and its looking possitive so far. anyways I
shall talk to you later. gonna call you soon too. I miss ya...

Dave

It's Physics...Of course I know!!!

What Happens???

What happens when the only person who could make you smile when you were down and upset is the one who put the frown on your face and the tears in your eyes???

Twin Souls

(My BF emailed me this this morning.)

I did some research on twin souls and so far this is the best explanation I have found...towards the end of this there are signs that can be used to determine weather you have found your twin soul.I read these and I was thinking wow the entire time. When you read them...see how many of them fit. Its amazing but, this describes howI feel for you in so many ways its almost scary...but a good scary.

The final division of the soul that took place eons and eons ago could be likened to the separating of a magnet into two separate pieces. Each piece would be predominately one polarity or the otherxbut a residual amount of its opposite essence would always be present within itself. So it is with the divided twin (soul). The masculine half has always retained some of the original feminine energy that the soul first possessed while the feminine half still holds onto apart of the masculine essence it once was united with. Since that time we have roamed around in this incomplete state of being experiencing life after life and relationship after relationship until we decide we've had enough and want something more fulfilling.In order for that to happen each twin must first achieve a balance of masculine and feminine essence within themselves and bring that balanced energy to each other to complete the whole.
Ultimately, each and every one of us will reach a point when a very serious choice and commitment is made... to begin the process of growing and evolving on a spiritual level. As that happens we will rediscover our true spiritual nature and go through an inner transformation that is so profound it will affect the deepest part ofour being. At that moment the soul begins to crave completion with its Source in a way that is difficult to describe unless one has experienced it. Part of this craving will be satisfied by reunion with our twin.
The twin-soul concept is not new. Plato described it 2,500 year sago. Here is an excerpt:
" ... and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for amoment...
If Hephaestus, son of Zeus, were to ask the pair; 'do you desire to be wholly one, always day and night to be in one another's company? For if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one, and after your death in the world beyond you will still be one departed soul instead of two — I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire?' — and there is not a man or woman of them who, when they heard the proposal, would not acknowledge that this melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very expression oftheir ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was original one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love."
When each of us separated into our male and female halves long ago,the soul knew (and still knows) that the rejoining of its incomplete self would inevitably take place... it was part of the divine plan.After that agonizing and painful division took place a deep seated yearning for oneness began to linger within each of us and the desire for reunion and completeness has endured over the ages. Only one other in all the universe can satisfy it. As a result, we are constantly searching for our twin. But the desire for completion doesn't stop there... and the soul also realizes this. What the soul really wants is not only reunion with itself but the original feeling of oneness it had with its Source in the very beginning. This craving for the "First Intimacy" will not stop until it is fully satisfied.We have as long as we want to make it happen... but it will happen.
It would seem that this desire for oneness must be the foundation upon which all relationships are built. Male-female unions have come into being and have fallen apart for thousands of years. However, if a deep, spiritual union with our Source can be established and maintained, the chances for lasting joy and fulfillment becomes more and more of a possibility. It also seems to make more sense that our relationships should be based upon spiritual principals rather than man made religious dogmas which can bring so much fear and guilt into people's lives.
Plato is not the only individual who has given us insights into twin soul relationships. Spiritual writings from the Sufis 800 years ago say that...
"Out of the original unity of being there is a fragmentation and dispersal of beings, the last stage being the splitting of one soul into two. And consequently, love is the search by each half for the other half on earth or in heaven...
As twin souls are so alike to begin with, it seems necessary for them to go their separate ways before they can complete each other.Identity and complementarity are the two driving forces and axes of love... For the complete being there must be a blending of the two."
Even Edgar Cayce, the wonderful "sleeping prophet," spoke about soulmates (twin souls). He explained how in the beginning the "male and female were as in one." In his historical description of Atlantis, Cayce says that as long as several hundred thousands of years ago ..."there lived in this land of Atlantis one Amillius, who had first noted the separations of the beings as inhabited that portion of the earth's sphere or plane of these peoples, into male and female asseparate entities or individuals."
All of the information described above suggests that the division which resulted in the formation of two, twin soul halves occurred when we originally entered the Earth's 3-dimensional environment at some point in the distant past to "experience and feel" at this level of reality. Since that time we've apparently lost our way in this material world and are trying remember who we really are. When we do, our adventure within the universe can continue where it left off ages ago.
When we finally " wake up" and begin the journey Home to our Source, no longer needing experiences and feelings at the Earth's level of existence, corresponding twins will reunite once again. Male and female essence will blend into in one form, perfectly balanced,totally spiritual, with unconditional love for themselves and others. From that point forward they will remain as one for eternity as they coalesce with other reunited twins to recreate the soul groups they separated from a long time ago. Ultimately, all of us will reunite as the "original One."
Here are some answers and thoughts by St. Germain that address the subject of twin souls:
Q. Are twin flames more like a companion of the soul? A. It is an identical resonance reverberation of the same frequency within the different (male-female) bodies of energy.
"Within your male soul mate energy essence, there abides a certain frequency that is indeed identical to the same frequency found in the female soul mate energy essence. ...there are identical frequencies existing in the opposite bodies of energy , and these you call twin flames."
"Now, experiencing consciousness within yourself, loving unconditionally that which you are as you exist and abide in your reality at this point in time, creates the resonance within your being that attracts the identical essence within the opposite body ofsoul energy. It calls it forth and merges with your energy and you with it."
More than likely you and your other half have come together inprevious lives and may have already touched at some point during this life time... but if one or both of you were not ready when it happened the experience will have been very intense and electrifying but short-lived.
What's the most important starting point for a twin soul reunion? How do we prepare ourselves for it? It begins with the desire to love yourself and others without any conditions attached and without judgements. Although desire is the starting point, it is not enough.One has to live it... day in and day out as best as possible. Even though our efforts to "live it" may not at the Master level, we need to be well on our way towards doing so or the relationship will suffer. In short, unconditional love is the magical ingredient for building a twin relationship and making it work (this also applies to other relationships we may have).
If two twins are to reunite and then have a meaningful partnership both have to be spiritually ready for it. At that point the Universewill create the special forces necessary to bring them together for another moment in time. However, the search for the other must always begin as a search within each of the twins themselves first before lasting reunion is possible. Each has to discover his or her own individual spiritual nature and potential... and then do their best to live it on a daily basis.
There are no dependencies in a twin soul relationship because the"sense of self" has been developed quite well within each of the partners. To reach that point, a certain degree of internal balance and happiness must first be nurtured and achieved. Then, during reunion, the essence of one simply flows into the essence of the other to create the completeness. There is no effort involved.
It is also impossible for twin souls to remain separated on any kind of permanent basis. When in relationship, they will continue to have have conflicts. However, they will be driven to resolve these conflicts (and any past karma) as quickly as possible. Nothing is left unsaid. Nothing is left to chance. Assumptions never enter their minds. All is out in the open. Neither sits, pouts and wonders who will make the first move at "making up." There are no games. There is no pretending. There is no deception. There is no fear of reprisal because unconditional love is the foundation upon which their relationship has been built. In essence, they can just be themselves. And as each conflict resolves, the bond of love between them takes on renewed meaning and strength. What incredible freedom! Such is the nature of this very divine and profound union.
How will you know you have met your twin? Here are some of the symptoms given by others who have had the experience...
Chances are you've met through a set of unusual circumstances...totally unplanned and unexpected
There is an instantaneous feeling that you have known the other before
You felt an immediate and deep connection for one another
There is an electrifying feeling between the two of you that words cannot describe
The relationship is immediate... as though no time had been lost since you were last together
It feels as though you had never lived before the reunion occurred
You feel a deep sense of unity that you've have never known before
It brings on feelings you never thought possible
The two of you are inseparable
When you look into each other's eyes time and space have no meaning
There are no barriers between the two of you... the relationship is atotally open one
Your conversations seem to go on forever
The two of you have a strong urge to serve humanity in a deep and meaningful way
You give to the other and never think of receiving in return
There is a special sacredness to your relationship that transcends anything you've ever experienced before
You still have karma with your twin (from previous lives) but the two of you resolve it all with total forgiveness and unconditional love
Neither one of you are dependent on the other for your sense of self
There is a real feeling of unlimitedness to your feelings... you have a strong sense of eternity
Your feelings for each other are very spiritual
There are no restrictions within the relationship... all is freedom without the need for ownership or control
The two of you know without doubt that you have been brought together for a reason
You do not compete with one another nor do you pretend to be otherthan who you are
In spite of your sameness there is no doubt you feel a sense of completion through the other
Trust, patience, acceptance of each other's weaknesses happen automatically
There is a great sense of purpose and meaning to the relationship
Your sexuality with one another is a sacred act that celebrates the unconditional love you have for one another
When you look into the other's eyes you see yourself
You experience a sense of completeness that is without comparison
There is no doubt that some of the symptoms described above are also common to soul mate relationships. What really sets the twin soul union apart from all the rest is the profound degree of completeness experienced and the overwhelming sense of spirituality unique tothem. Twins want to serve humanity in some meaningful way. There is also a very sacred sense of intimacy and feeling of divinely inspired wholeness that one finds within a twin soul relationship. It is no tby accident nor is it without purpose.



It's Physics...Of course I know!!!
Dave

On the go

It was one of those mornings where I woke up and felt totally rested yet wanted more sleep. As I awoke my bf called and it was peaceful to hear his voice as the fuzzies came off my eyes. The morning had mostly passed and I was amazed that CJ was also still sleeping, out cold.
I jammed the radio to wake him up and had food ready for his brunch. We didn't have as much of a battle getting pants, socks and boots on for riding today. I was actually able to come to an understanding with him. I told him that if he is ready with his socks and boots then he'd be ready to go and could play his video game until I was ready without stopping to finish getting ready. For the first time this concept clicked. It was a relief and a joy even in the midst of some obstinate behavior.
So it was off to horse riding. He did quite well. He kept Fox trotting for 20 minutes, even when Fox wanted to be lazy and go to a walk. Proper seat on the horse, body in motion, good form. I was talking to our teacher who is also a jeweler and asked her if I ever decide to get serious with a person and there will be an exchange of rings....I didn't even finish asking and her face lit up and she was shaking her head oh yes definitely. She asked who this lucky man is and I told her and she said that I have to bring him over and pass the girl friend committee....LOL She's so awesome, I just love her to pieces. So we talked a bit about stones and I hope to talk to her some more on Friday about it, I'm curious to see what ideas and options she seemed to instantly think of.
CJ did awesome at riding and I promised him a burger afterwards for his good work so it was off to do that. We got home and schnarfed our snack and he watched a movie and burnt off energy in the most irritating ways. But at least he wasn't bordering bull in a china shop like yesterday, using a twisty stick from the blinds like a light saver......LOL
Right before dinner I fell asleep on my futon. Head on my stuffed pony (horse) using it like a pillow and one leg off the bed with that foot on the floor. I was out cold long enough to have a small dream and I woke up.
I had several conversations with my bf today and tonight and I decided I'd just be adventurous and meet him. I haven't done anything adventurous in too long of a time and I'm looking forward to sneaking off to a more secluded place and making out. I love kissing his lips and holding each other closely.
SJ

Nicht Gutten Nacht

Well I slept like crap last night. In part because I folded out my futon. Usually I sleep with it in the couch position. It has a slight angle that dips downward and I sleep with my back to the back and the angle is nice. In a way it's like being swaddled in a cocoon of flannel. It smells like the oil I love to use. It's sensual in several ways. In another way it reminds me of snuggling with my bf, how he'll sometimes lay behind me with my back to his chest with his arms wrapped in a firm and loving way.
I have been pondering much in the past few days. What I thought were just simple day dreams are actually things I wish for, things I truly would like to to have materialize or come to fruition. Now that I have things that might resemble goals, I need to decide what game plans to come up with. Do I set plans in motion or should time go by first? Would acting on things too quickly even after much forethought, would that constitute being hasty? OMG I'm sounding like a Libra. Well then again the moon just moved into Libra. So I guess it goes back to that one thing I have pondered for the better part of a year. About fearing what I want.
So what exactly do I want? I think I shall save that for another day.............SJ

Re: LOL

S.J.
Hey I remember some of the things I just read in your profile. Think
you read them off to me a few times but yeah it is
funny....exspecaily the part where you said I HAVE NO TIME FOR STUPID
PEOPLE.gotta love it. Anyways, probably gonna call ya here pretty
quickly so ill stop writting.

Dave


It's Physics...Of course I know!!!

Stillness

I had an awesome day with my bf today. We hung out and bonded. It felt like it was long overdue. One of those later realizations. To be back in each others arms. Kissing. Touching. Feeling. To make love, to cook dinner, grab a shower and then to be passionate once more before he was wisped away to something else.
Although the act of letting go while he goes home each time is becoming more familiar, it is becoming increasingly harder and more painful to say goodnight. Good night? Although it was a good night, the separation and the lump in my heart feels not so good. I know if I didn't love him it wouldn't pain me so.
So my mind is mostly quiet tonight. I feel for once as if I had pondered all I possibly could for the day. I have things I daydream about but I don't know if that would actually be a form of ruminating or pondering. There is only one thing that I can honestly say I am pondering but it is premature by far, at least I think it is.....LOL Like quiet pondering. It feels more like my subconscious is doing most of the work on this one. I have vague thoughts about it yet not the chewing of the cud of a thought like when I ruminate on something.
So I shall feel his arms wrapped around me, like a blanket, as I fall asleep.
SJ

Indeed.

I LOVE YOU

L
O
V
E

Y
O
U

Heute

Well I slept pretty well last night. As I stirred to awake this morning I felt wrapped in love. The phone rang and I darted to the kitchen in my t-shirt, socks and undies to grab it. It was my best friend. MMmmMmmmmm. It was heavenly to hear his voice as I awoke. He said he felt that I was awake and called to say goodmorning. Good morning indeed.
Tuesday when I took my son to his riding lesson I didn't tell him we were going to riding lessons. I had him put on his new shoes and told him we had to go in a few minutes. Since he is not riding with stirrups it isn't crucial he wear his boots...LOL It went really well because he didn't have time to argue or put up a fight. We had one other errand to run and after that I promised him food from a local drive thru establishment.
Tuesday night my son had a breakthrough and was telling his dad how he knew he was getting sick when he was around four and by the time he was eight he knew he had autism. He explained a lot of things to his dad as best as he could and was answering questions pretty well. When he was around four is when he got quite the round of vaccinations and he reacted badly to them.
Well today being Friday is horseback riding lessons for he and I both. I don't look forward to the typical headache of getting him out the door. He usually acts like the sky is falling and tells me how he doesn't want to go, etc. We are working on this tho, as he learns that it's what we do on certain days it becomes more part of the routine, as it has been for the past six months.
Last Friday I was riding Fox, he's a pony and work horse cross. He's short and wide and just an awesome critter. He's a Leo with a true Leo personality. He's my buddy, I love him. So anywho, it was pretty darn hot so instead of riding in the arena where it's not too shady we were working in a different area on the property where it was more filtered sun. Twice Fox lost his footing and I thought we were both goin down for sure the one time. Having time to look back I can see that Fox and I were connected deeply as horse and rider and I believe a mutual intent to recover from the lost footing brought us back up safely. Not to mention our teacher's. She's mostly American Indian and she glows of her heritage although sometimes I don't think she realizes it. At the point of almost having a wreck I can see how all the stretching with closed eyes while the horse is being led at a walk fit in. The balance in motion came together. I am still working on riding at a trot on my balance, with hands on hips. I am getting a lot closer tho.
So with getting over the tonsillitis my teacher said to come anyway and if I need to take it easy then we'll take it easy. I believe she has tuned in to me being my own biggest competition. I want to advance in my knowledge and this is obvious so she tells me not to be so hard on myself more than anything.
Although it's usually quite the chore to be ready and out the door by a certain time because of the defiance issues, I look forward to the changes that take place during and afterwards. Our teacher had explained to me that some parents quit taking their kids because the changes are so dramatic. Kids go from small, almost nonexistent, vocabularies to having a couple hundred words in a matter of months. They have a turn towards normal. I admit this can be frustrating but why the hell would a parent not want that for their kid? Ya know?
I don't know what it would be like for CJ to resemble 'normal'. I don't know if I would want him to be what we think of as 'normal'. He is super smart, it's just a matter of knowing what angle to teach him different things from. I believe he is way more intelligent than 'normal'. He is gifted in many ways that 'normal' doesn't seem to have. He is intuitive in many ways as well as am I and his dad. It was intuition that brought us to horseback riding.
So I have been doing a lot of mental processing and deep ruminating lately. There has been a lot going on even tho it doesn't seem like it. Changes with in myself, CJ's changes, my room mate's reactions to it all. The dynamics are different, totally. Then add in the addition of a relationship on my part. My room mate's reaction to that, which really isn't that dramatic since we are still best friends after the divorce. So my life as I know it has changed dramatically. I am just attempting to resettle into it somehow. Maybe that's why it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin.
So I shall go begin my day and glow when my best friend comes to mind. I guess my eyes turn bright green when I'm deep in thought or talking about him. And I shall have fun while I bond more to the horse I am riding. Whether it be Fox or Sun Up, the noble Morgan I also ride.
I feel like it's gonna be a sunny, cheery day.
SJ

Rambling thoughts

My body is exhausted yet my mind is failing to quiet.
why is it that I fear most terribly the very thing I want most badly?
My father was an alcoholic growing up. He quit drinking after I attempted suicide. I had swiped some of his heart meds and took them at school and passed out. I flat out told them and the principal that I couldn't live life that way anymore. The fights between my parents, the beatings, the booze and their neighborhood parties. I was in seventh grade.
Maybe it was my mom when I was around my early to pre teens. I was standing in the living room of the house I had grown up in. She didn't appear to be angry, or agitated in any way. She was going through a bag of things. She looked me in the eyes and flat out said, "I never wanted you."
It seems that love always comes with a price. The worst being the separation. My dad died 9 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. He and I ended up being best friends, I could share anything with him and he would guide me as a friend as opposed to the dictating Nazi that my mother was at the time. My mom would antagonize my dad while he was drinking and pick fights with him. They were brutal, things flying, words cutting like swords. I would often hide in my closet out of fear that they might find something I did for me to be punished for. This was usually a willow switch from the neighbors tree. Leaves stripped off of it, bent bottomless over the wooden kitchen chair. And the lashing would begin and seem to never end.
I guess it seems like whenever I got close to someone I got hurt.
There's the old Irish proverb to love like you've never hurt before. Everyone seems to have abandonment issues. I haven't met a person yet who doesn't. So to me that would mean that if I am with a person that I can love like I've never been hurt before then that is the true, spiritual love. That would be incredible.
So if I have found that then why would I fear it so badly?
False Evidence Appearing Real. FEAR.
I have no reason to believe that loving a person will make them die somehow, but somehow I fear this.
I would hope that the person I encounter this with wouldn't move too far away and optimally I'd like to go with because if I found this then any form of separation would be torturous.
There's always the fear of getting too close then being betrayed somehow. Whether by lack of communications, built up hopes and dreams or stagnation from lingering.
I tend to have relationships where as a healer they need healed and then when they are fixed and I'm not needed anymore then they leave. Like a shop mechanic in a way. Analogy; a broken down car that needs a complete restoration comes into the shop. The mechanic loves that car and brings it back to it's state of beauty and then releases the car. It's kinda like that.
I have long wondered if I am meant to find a person who doesn't need an overhaul that will stay around for the long haul. I long for this, desperately. I yearn for it. To the very deepest part of my heart and soul, I cry for it.
So if I find this then it would mean it's real. That it does exist. It would have to become part of my reality. If I did find it and it was real then to me that would be the ultimate proof that it would take to prove it really is there. It would open the door to what it really should mean when I look someone in the eyes, gazing deeply, holding their face in my hands and saying, I love you. I had previously come to the conclusion that I love you meant that my heart swells with emotion when I think of them. What I'm talking about here makes that appear to be shallow. Drop in the bucket kinda thing.
So if I find this kind of thing then I guess I would need to figure out if I can seriously stay in the here and now and convey that kind of information to a person. To allow myself the possible opportunity of receiving another's love as if they had never been hurt before.
I think I shall be able to sleep now.
SJ

die KooB

Waterside sunset.
golden skies.
gentle breeze.
water gently lapping.
the magpies take flight.
ravens circle around.
It's peaceful.
Magical.
hearts pounding in unison.
eyes lock.
mesmorized.
deep love discovered.
unmeasurable.
my breath is taken away.
my heart stops.
my eyes break the link.
with tilted head I look back up.
eyes relock.
magnetic.
souls ajoin.
lips touch.
lock together.
passionate kiss.
my heart takes form.
Eagle soars high.
twirling in the air.
chakras connect.
I melt.
weak knees.
I clench his back.
he pulls me in.
joined souls.
twin souls?
awestruck.
anticipation builds.
Bodies wishing to join.
the tourturous break away.
duty calls.
my heart pounds.
my breasts ache.
my stomach burns.
my root is on fire.
my soul cries for him.
to hold him.
to kiss him.
to rejoin.
to love.
SJ

Gestalt

Have you ever been with someone and they just take your breath away? They are beautiful in your eyes and your thoughts are encompassed by thought of them? The heart ache and longing? The feeling of being incomplete when they aren't around? When they come to mind your heart flutters and swells with emotion for them?
It hit me like an I beam today that I am in love with my best friend. He said I came to the proper conclusion that although neither if us were looking for it to turn into this yes, we are both in love with the other.
So as I go to sleep tonight I shall put my hand on my tummy like he does when we are just laying there together. And I shall think of him. I feel his presence when I think of him, as he does I. I have never experienced this kind of connection at this deep of a level before.
In a way it scares the shit out of me. But then that's that fear of being hurt if I get close. On the other hand I feel so safe and secure in his presence that I can let my guard totally down and let him read my soul through and through and it actually feels good. I regard this as sacred. It's comforting in a strange sort of way.
So I shall take myself to bed now and have more vivid dreams of my best friend. When I awake I shall feel as if he is there with me. You'd think this would feel invasive but it's actually a serene feeling along with a feeling of longing for him. It leaves my heart pounding and I can feel it's pounding in unison with his even tho he is not presently here.
So I admit, I have to, there's no doubting it.....I'm in love. I feel blessed by the stars and the universe for what I perceive as a gift. This deep connection that is explosive with passion. The apple of my eye, is this man I speak of. True beauty in human form.
SJ

Ich sehr krank

Well, I came down with tonsillitis. Oh joy. I guess this is where I get to test first hand what I've learned about herbs in my studies. So I started goldenseal drops last night and echinacea tea to gargle and drink. There's the infamous salt water gargle which I always hated but it causes the crap from sore throat issues in general to pull out some of the crap and then slough off the outer layer. So here in a while I'll be consuming borage, comfrey and cleavers. Later on tonight probably an onion and garlic tea/gargle. I tell ya what, by the time it's over and done with my system aught to be pretty squeaky clean.
My room mate is caring for our son. (He and I were married for over a decade but remain awesome friends and our kid needs both of us.) He's actually going to one of my best friend's house to gather some plants that she is cutting to help me recuperate quicker.
I began doing a 1-2-3 thing with our son last week. I knew it would be worse before it got better and indeed it did but him being a pretty smart cookie is getting it. He is realizing that when mom gets to three the axe is gonna fall, unequivocally without a doubt. So I'm glad I had begun that before I got ill.
So I'm pretty sick but at least I feel like my fever might have broke, or is close to breaking. I miss my best friend more than I could put into words. If he were here now I wonder what he would do. He told me this morning he wishes he could be here to just pamper me, what would that constitute? I would just want him to snuggle with me, probably till I fall asleep sleep.
I wasn't completely honest with the people I know when I told them I had food poisoning. My best friend and I had an oopsie and I had been pretty late with my moon cycle so I took a bunch of wormwood, black walnut and cloves for a period of time and terminated. I talked to my sister and she said wormwood is one of those iffy ones that she won't use cuz it can be that toxic. And it did put my system through quite the cleanse. So much so I resorted to imodium to slow it down a bit. So at sixteen days late my moon cycle came and boy it came with a vengeance. I some how feel that this whole thing brought us closer together but on different planes/levels. It is pretty miraculous and spiritual to create a life. I wonder if he wonders what it would have been like if I didn't have the 'make it go away mentality'. I know I do. I've been emotionally and mentally going through a form of grieving that I didn't have a clue would happen.
SJ

A smile without a grimmace

My 11 year old son is autistic. I don't know if I have included this fact thus far. Part of autism is just not getting it. Social clues and peer pressure are not really understood if at all even comprehended. Today he was working on trotting and was at a trot for over 20 minutes. I can tell ya first hand it can be hard work especially if your body is still regaining it's range of motion. Horse riding will put your body into 95% of it's range of motion. I'm not saying in one lesson but it does happen. So my kiddo is up on the horse at a trot and looks like he was looking to get out of it and the teacher and I started joking with him. For the first time in years he smiled. I don't mean the autistic grimace that shows up in most of the pictures. I mean a genuine, true smile. I guess to push it I would say a normal kid smile. He was exuding pride trotting with one hand on his hip, sitting up with great posture and the horse just went faster for him. I had proud happy tears that I hid behind my sunglasses.

For those of you who have 'normal' kids there is a lot that you'll never understand. Things like when they tell their first lie. Autistic kids aren't supposed to have the rationale to tell a lie. The day he told his first lie I wanted to choke him for lieing to me but on the other hand I was told autistic kids are honest because their brain doesn't work well enough to conjure up one. For years we wondered what this kid was thinking, feeling. When he began to talk and put together sentences we were floored. He had colic till he was five and potty trained at 6 when he was in kindergarten. Lots of sensory dysfunction.

Horse riding has been the missing link to all the therapies we have in place. My child did not ask for autism just as I did not ask for ADHD, dyslexia and light sensitivity problems. I understand first hand what he is going through when he can't quite put the words together. So in a world that often doesn't make sense it has been my goal to bridge the gap and help bring him around.
SJ

Manic Monday

Today I had to laugh as I heard manic Monday on the radio.
I went to the doctors office today for an appointment and they didn't show me as scheduled. My son wasn't paying attention and fell and scuffed his knee up really bad and scratched his palm too. He began screaming, "I need my father, only father can help me!!!" I had a hard time not laughing because his reaction was so dramatic for the scraped that occurred. He had some blood but not bad. I finally called his father on the phone and said here he needs to speak with you. Where I couldn't reach the kid his father could and it was by asking him if it was bleeding like a squirt gun. Hmmm.....LOL A lil more blunt than I went with him but hey, if it worked.
It was that kind of day today. It seems like when I'm sick (I got food poisoning) the monster comes out and he has to see how far he can push the limits as well. It's never worked for him in the past so I don't know why all of a sudden he thinks all that will change but ya gotta give him credit. I too probably would have snuck off with the new container of chocolate covered almonds if I saw them unattended on the counter...LOL
So I guess it was my turn to have one of those days.
Other than that I miss Eros bunches. It's one of those nights where I wanna snuggle up in bed and just watch TV and fall asleep in his protective arms. I can feel him at a distance and it seems this is a shared feeling. Well, the night isn't over so I shall remain hopeful......SJ